what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
