11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
