words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
