Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
