Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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