Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
