I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
