I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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