just come out here and I will go home with you...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
