Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
