The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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