i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
