i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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