Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
