I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
