He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
