I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
