Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
