just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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