Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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