I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
