my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Say something about gay babies.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
