omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just had sex on a roof
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
