I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
