I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
