im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
