you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
