turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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