everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
