Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
