just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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