Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
