i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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