Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
