seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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