I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
