I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish they made helmets for livers.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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