no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
