i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sorry about my life...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
