she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
