hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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