well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
