Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
