OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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