By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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