tequila makes me forget i have legs
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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