It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
even my farts smell like vagina
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
