she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
