I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
