Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
